Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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