I want to make a zoo with you.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize