don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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