I'm lost and stupid without you.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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