No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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