After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I could make wine with my vomit
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
