just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
