His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
