I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
