i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
third nipple confirmed
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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