Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
