i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
