So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
