I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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