Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
