I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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