If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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