alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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