So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
