its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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