y did u give ur computer a hand job?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
