i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
