Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
