dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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