I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
