1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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