did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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