I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
