I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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