Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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