Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
