You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
