Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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