I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
