Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
