On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
