this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
