Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
