I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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