Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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