She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
