I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
