wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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