I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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