i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
