i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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