I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize