She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
