I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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