textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
