Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
