I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
