Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
