oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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