The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
