and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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