So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
