Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
