My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
